Yesterday evening Monica and I found ourselves in a friend’s closet. I sat on the floor while she tried on clothes. Monica said she wanted me there to make sure she didn’t buy everything and to give her feedback.
Somtimes, though, it’s difficult to take feedback even if you requested it.
“It’s hard for me to not feel like you are rejecting me when you tell me you don’t like how something looks on me,” Monica said as we were in the closet. “I know it’s the clothes and not me, but it’s still hard.”
Isn’t that often the case so many areas of life? We find ourselves unable to differentiate our problems from our selves. It goes like this: The problem is not the problem, I am a problem.
Because Monica fought through her dilemma, she left with some awesome clothes that fit and looked good, but not the clothes she thought should fit and look good (we all have enough of these in our closets).
Problems are often caused by trying make something fit–a role, belief, attitude, behavior, skinny jeans– but doesn’t. Instead of changing you keep trying to make it fit because you are overidentified with it, and the problem continues with you as its host.
The solution? Look for what fits and feels good, not what you think should fit and feel good. There’s a reason I don’t wear skinny jeans.